Site direction, philosophy, and other gay shit.

April 4th, 2026

HEAVY WORK IN PROGRESS AAAAAHHH!!

Having to answer or put my ideas into text is a thing that I've found always difficult. Even if people have told me that I am quite articulate and thoughtful with my opinions, it always feels like I am not communicating my true intentions or thoughts. So, it would only be logical that said issues also would affect my workflow, ideas, and my general personality in a sense.

I am a very passionate person. After an insane panic attack induced by one of my closest friends discussing philosophy with me I realized that my way of viewing myself and my issues was quite delusional. It's kind of hard to accept to this day that my mood and writing would always reflect a different kind of "me" depending on my mental state, or not. Not to self diagnose but it's clear that I have some behavioral issues that mirror some behaviors of BPD, and many of my anxieties coallese onto the one worry of self.

(what exactly the conversation was about or my change in perspective does not matter, it is truly a realization that most people would not even care for, nor digest in the way that I did)

Despite my worries, one of the things that I always shines trough whatever mask I end up wearing is my passion. It's hard to describe exactly what interests me, and that would require a lot of personal time to even scratch the surface of, but some patters emerge when I think of what makes me "me".

The reason why I decided to make this site is the same reason I enjoy the things that I do. I recently started joking that I larp things that genuinely interest me, for example I have gotten into Higurashi and I have become slightly obsessed with the few chapters I have read. I bought a CRT *monitor on a relatively impulsive desire, and it is currently what I'm using to write my website. I do small little things like this all the time that may seem performative in the modern age of culture, but I genuinely do things out of love and passion.

*(note how I said monitor, not television. I might eventually go on an autistic blogpost about this, so stay tuned)

The things that I do, the material objects that I buy, and the hobbies that I pursue are done entirely out of love and curiosity. In a world full of people who are quite milquetoast when it comes to personality, I stand out like a sore thumb. I indulge and experience all of these novel experiences because it fascinates me. I want to experience old games with original hardware, I want to see how things felt back when 4:3 was the norm, I want to bring back some of the style that the web used to have before corporations used it for their own purpose. I want to take control of me and the things that interest me back, to be deliberate and pursuant of the shit that is just too fucking cool to ignore

So when I got that monitor, it wasn't just for larping or to pretend I was super retro 4:3 2000s emo gurl. Shit doesn't interest me because it looks cool, it looks cool because it interests me. To indulge and learn more

It doesn't matter if I'm bubbly or stoic, if I am depressed or manic, because I will always have this passion and drive to create and experience. My favorite game of all time is Cave Story because it proved that indie developers could leave a mark on the world, that you could just do shit. Sometimes I end up thinking of the creators of the things around you, the engineers and designers that it took to create the products of our day and day. It's easy to forget that everything was planned and designed by a person with their own soul.